you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
