i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
