You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
