I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
