I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
