my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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