some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
