I molested 6 butterflies tonight
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
