I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
