**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize