Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
