i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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