Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
