remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
