im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
