I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
