I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
