I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
