I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
