I accidentally had phone sex last night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
