Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
