Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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