If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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