That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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