If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
