I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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