I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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