for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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