Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dicks are not precious.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
