So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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