Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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