Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
