I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
