I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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