It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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