You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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