you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
