don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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