I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
