We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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