hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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