You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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