She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
