Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
