I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
