My sheets look like a crime scene.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
