My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
