so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
