I wish I could punch you in the face.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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