Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
