You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
