Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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