Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
