I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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