i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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