i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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