i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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