At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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